In Defense of a Two-Month Christmas Season

Sometime around Thanksgiving every year it starts. The inevitable griping about the early start of the Christmas season. This year I was lucky enough to have Twitter, an aggregation of my generation’s incessant bitching.

“Why am I seeing Christmas commercials already? #itsthanksgiving #princessprobzzz #hashtagsrkewl”

My response, respectfully of course, is #gofuckyourself

Christmas is by far the best time of the year. If it were up to me, the 24-hour A Christmas Story marathon would start shortly after midnight on Halloween and continue right up until the big day, ceasing only for occasional airings of the original How The Grinch Stole Christmas and the 1974 claymation hit, The Year Without Santa Clause.

So most of what I’m seeing is part of some massive advertising campaign meant to brainwash me? You don’t say?

Authentic Mall Santa Smell! Just Add Gin!

Grow up. Every single bit of media we see, from 12:01 AM on January 1st to Dick Clark’s sad, robotic December 31st countdown, is part of some scheme to sell you useless shit. Christmastime just means they get to be upfront about it. Now don’t be coy. You know you’ve wanted that third iPod Touch since August, but your friends and family would’ve called you a jackass. Come the holidays, nobody can judge you. If you haven’t yet realized that everything in our culture is saturated with consumerism, then there’s really no hope for you or your goddamn Sharper Image catalog.

So if you’ve come to terms with the fact that someone is trying to sell you something every moment of the day, then what’s to stop you from enjoying all the good parts of Christmas? It’s an excuse to spend time with the family, and if you hate your family, then at least they’re obligated by the season to act halfway decent. Then there’s the friends, food, and the fact that getting hammered is not only socially acceptable, but encouraged. Haters gonna hate, but the longer the holiday season lasts, the better off we’d all be. There would be more time for:

This is how happy you could be.

  •  Eggnog, eggnog with rum, eggnog with bourbon, eggnog with brandy, and then straight gin because you ran out of eggnog.
  • Office parties
  • Ugly sweaters and the women who wear them
  • Peace on Earth and all that good stuff

Most importantly, the holidays are about taking time out to ignore all the stupid reasons you have for being unhappy and just feeling good. I think we could all use two months of that. So quit bitching and start the merrymaking.

One Response to “In Defense of a Two-Month Christmas Season”
  1. Nick says:

    A Christmas Story is a classic, love it! And agree with you too about the Grinch cartoon (the Jim Carrey movie was awful) and the Year Without a Santa Claus (they remade that into a live action show too, WHY?)

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